bad trip

hey.. well.. it didn't go well. at first it was wonderful. he met me at the airport with roses - we kissed, hugged, it was perfect. waited for my luggage, holding each other - couldn't keep our hands off each other, i'm sure people thought we were married and hadn't seen each other in months. luggage didn't come so we had to go to the lost luggage counter and fill out a report, we couldn't keep out hands off each other there either. they told us we would get it sent out to his place direct, so we left. We got into his truck, and we had to get his dog from the kennel and get a few groceries. Every light, every stop sign, every aisle in the store, he'd stop to kiss me. it was wonderful. got back to his house, made a drink, kissed some more.. then made love. and then made love again later.

I woke up thursday, early, let the dogs out, stood on the back patio and thought to myself "i could so see myself living here", which is what goes against what him and I had discussed. we said that he'd come to canada to live and work. but felt so good. I woke him up, we made love again, had breakfast.. it was all wonderful. Then the shift came... thursday night... I felt it, didn't want to see it, wanted to ignore it. I'm hyper sensitive to that - probably because i've been on alot of blind dates. Thursday night, he got drunk, and passed out.

Friday, didn't do much, hardly talked.. we went for a drive out to some resort that he wanted to look at. the conversation was strained, at best. went back to his place and we played a game of headsup poker. after the game he decided then to tell me that I should go home - that i had to leave and it was for the best. He said he's still screwed up from his marriage and has to be by himself. I was stunned. I got up and went into the bedroom - he got up and took off for an hour and a half. he came home, more drunk, he had went to the bar. Also he had called united airlines for information on departing flights because he pulled out a envelope with a bunch of numbers on it. I was trying to talk to him about it but he kept trying to dial the phone. It got ugly.. he got more drunk.. then, he came over to me, and started to kiss me and then he stopped to say, "i have something just for you" he goes into the back bedroom and comes out with 2 fireworks. he set off both in the back yard - come in - and takes me to the bedroom. I was confused, but i loved him so I did.

he didn't "finish".. most cant with being drunk.. he got out of bed, put shorts on - grabbed his keys, he was going to get more booze or something. i bolted after him and shouldered the door. He decided not to leave. got back in bed. he said, "you know why I didn't leave? because I love you", then he passed out.

The next morning I was curious.. was bad of me but needed to know.. i opened his laptop - 3 programs running - i saw two yahoo windows. one to john, a friend, discussing me and him - saying, "I could ride some sweet ass this weekend but that's not me" yadda yadda.. And another window, the shosh, this girl who has always wanted him. "she's not my soulmate, she's not the one, i know that now" Felt like a dagger in my heart. not only did he go against what he said to me that he would never ever talk about me, but that he talked about me with shosh.

so i woke him up, asked him, "so does this mean you changed your mind?" he said "huh?" i said "we had sex last night, does that change anything?" he said he couldn't remember having sex, nor IM'ing shosh. so it didn't, and he ended up escaping, again, he started drinking early, took off to go fill up his truck, he says. 1 1/2 hours later he comes home saying he got pulled over and they took that long to process him with a sobriety test.. sorry.. no way.. it doesn't take that long. he was at the bar, killing time because he didn't want to spend it with me. He ended up calling me a cab, he said he didn't want to get pulled over again. so I left. we did kiss alot.. he said it wasn't me, it was him, he said he's fucked up after Vicki, his ex, and has to be by himself. took me what seemed like an eternity to get home. boise to san fransisco, then Calgary.. 600 miles as the crow flys, yet i had to travel 1500 miles to get home.

Anyway, the next day, i felt even worse.. a friend had told me that shosh was basically gloating over the fact she was now with dave and that they talked on yahoo phone for 20 hours.. and that she's going to Idaho, he told her he couldn't touch me and sent me home early and didn't even drive me to the airport. purely to make himself look better in her eyes, he left out all we did from the first meeting, the first night, to her. I confronted him, he denied all of it. Another daggar in my heart.

So now, I'm just trying to fix my broken heart. I lost not only a lover, but a best friend. he was a huge part of my life and my heart and my stomach wont ever be the same.. it's killing me now to relive it.

I'm posting this basically to help myself. I know I did nothing wrong.. I love him, and that's not going to change, but I wanted to get this off my chest.

T